I SURVIVED THE FOURTH TRIMESTER
‘Survive’ might not be the best word. It could also be a potentially triggering word for some, and if that’s the case, I apologize. I just couldn’t think of a more accurate way to put it. Life with a newborn is basically just survival mode.
When I first started hearing about the “fourth trimester,” it sounded like a lifetime. 12 weeks of feeling like this? 3 whole months until I will “see the light?!” There is no way I am going to make it through.
But somehow, I’m sitting at the cottage with Lily, just the two of us, no DC, no family, no night nurse, no friends, three months later, writing this post, completely and peacefully happy as can be.
So, how the hell did I get here?
They say time heals all wounds and this was my truth. (If you need a little back story or context, you can read this post written in the thick of those first few weeks of my postpartum recovery). But to sum it up, I was not okay.
I was extremely open about my struggles both online and in person. Amongst all the advice I got, the one common theme was that it WILL get better. And for me, it has. But when you’re in the thick of it all, it can feel hopeless, dark and scary. Even though you know it will get better, it doesn’t change how you feel. So this post is written for whoever is still stuck in the dark. That ‘light’ you often hear about might still be a few weeks or months away but I want to speak to you today as someone who made it out and share some things that helped me.
I just want to say, I am not naive. I understand there are so many other hurdles, regressions and milestones to get through and that, for the most part, bigger kid = bigger problems. I look at my friends with toddlers and can easily say that sleep with a newborn is a piece of cake compared to what toddlers go through. I mean, I think we’ll all just never sleep again?
I also understand I only have one child at the moment and a lot of these tips might not be realistic for someone with multiple kids, especially at different ages. But I can only write from my personal experience and what I know.
So with that, I will offer some insight on what helped me make it through the fourth trimester:
- Try to sleep
When I spoke to my family doctor about my anxiety, she told me I shouldn’t even be assessed by a psychiatrist until I got some sleep. I also read a lot about postpartum anxiety and depression and the general prescription prior to any actual drugs for moms was to try and get some sleep first. Because to put it simply, sleep deprevation f*cks with your head.
We were fortunate enough to have a night nurse for a few weeks. She came from 9pm-9am and her job was to take care of Lily so I could sleep. I would feed her and then was able to get longer stretches of sleep, around 5-6 hours a night. Those longer stretches allowed me to recover and made the biggest difference with my anxiety.
I completely understand this is not the norm and we were so lucky that our parents graciously offered to pay for the nurse. And I’m not suggesting that this is something everyone should go and spend money on. I recognized it is a luxury, not a necessity. But it would be unfair of me to speak about my recovery and not address a huge part of what helped get me through, which was being able to sleep thanks to the nurse.
I also HATED when people said “Sleep when the baby sleeps.” Later on around 8-9 weeks I would start to nap a little when she did but up until that point I didn’t feel comfortable or didn’t want to nap when she did. What I did want to do was punch whoever told me to in the face. It’s annoying. Just don’t tell people to sleep when the freakin baby sleeps.
What you can do is ask your partner to do a night feed. Or a parent or someone close to give you a little relief when that desperation sets in. Sleep is just so so vital and you just need to try and find some way to get it in, whatever that may be.
2. Find your mom tribe
I am at a very lucky and rare time in my life where almost all of my friends are on mat-leave. I am even luckier that my best friend lives across the street from me and had her second kid a few weeks after me. My tribe was built in and that freakin rocks. Having moms with kids a similar age helps. It doesn’t need to be for advice and certainly shouldn’t be about comparing. But to have someone be in those hard stages with you at the exact same time is critical. Because I can already tell that you forget. As the weeks past and you’re in a new phase, it’s so easy to forget those sleepless nights, or first few latches or even how you felt in pregnancy.
I think the best way to find your tribe is to reach out. No mom would ever feel weirded out that another mom asked to speak, to go for a walk or just for a little help. Facebook is an amazing resource and a great place to find mommy groups, music classes or anything like that to meet people with kids the same age.
3. Accept the help
If you’re anything like me, you hate asking for help and have always had an ‘it’s just easier if I do it myself’ type of attitude. Well it’s time to let that sh*t go. Yes, you may cook better, clean a certain way or hate having people touch your stuff. But the honest truth is that you actually can’t do it all and this is the time when people WANT to help you. You will quickly see a few weeks in that most visitors stop coming and the meals and gifts dwindle. Accept the help today and give yourself a chance to relax…just kidding, you obviously won’t relax but maybe take a piss alone?
If I were to do it all over again, I would have had a zero visitor policy for the first few weeks. I didn’t know at the time but looking back, visitors gave me a lot of anxiety. What I suggest is letting people show their love and help you by dropping stuff off and not coming inside. Be specific with what you want. Ask them to pick up groceries but not stay. Or let someone come over and you get out of the house for a little bit (when you’re ready, of course). It sounds harsh but you don’t have to be polite during this time and there will be plenty of time for them to play with your baby in the future.
4. Start a TV show
I wouldn’t have made it through the first few weeks without The Office and then The Good Wife. The Office was soothing and made me laugh and was just comforting to have something mindless on in the background when things felt bleak. The Good Wife got me through breastfeeding. The early days of cluster feeding and pain were somewhat more tolerable with having a show I was into. It made me excited for days alone sitting on the couch and not leaving the house because I wanted to know what happened next. Just make sure you choose a show with a lot of seasons – you’ll get through them fast.
5. Remember it’s okay to not be okay
I’ll just put it this way…you are NOT going to be the best version of yourself right now. Whether you can’t stop crying or haven’t showered in a week, you are going to be one giant hot mess. That’s because you will be giving every ounce of your being to your baby. That is what you are not only meant to be doing, but what you will want to be doing.
On the days you brush your teeth, pat yourself on the back. Got dressed? You’re a warrior. Take a few moments to remember where you started, where you were a week ago, even a day ago and you will feel so accomplished. Also if you see anyone on social media during this time that looks like they have it all together in the first three months…unfollow – they are full of shit.
I’m not saying you need to lose who you were as a person, not experince any pleasure yourself or completely let yourself go. But I do think expectations need to be adjusted and you have to get realistic with what can get done in a day. And if that means going out with greasy hair, no makeup and 3 day old spit up on your shirt, well don’t be so hard on yourself.
Lastly, I want to say that if you are nearing the end of your fourth trimester and still don’t feel better at all, that is ALSO okay. It’s not an exact science. There’s no right or wrong. And all feelings are valid. Just know there are other women who are where you are right now. You don’t have to do this alone. The light at the end of the tunnel is there, but it’s okay if you need more time or a little help finding it.